Of dresses and horrorproms

Induction into Horror

Prom: it's what's on practically every incompetent and even competent high school junior girl's mind right now. And some reactions that I see on a daily basis not only disturb me, but they sadden me too. How can one child become so disappointed over something so small? So what, you don't have a prom date yet? I didn't even know people were asking... Here's a short list of what I've recently learned:

[Update 6:30: 2 girls post their dress pictures to the Prom 2013! Facebook group.]

1. Not getting a prom date by early February can lead to hysterics and depression.
2. Getting a prom date is the most important part of high school.
3. It's not kewl to go in a group.
4. Alcohol severely affects retinal vein behavior, which is why kids incompetents die each prom from drunk driving.
5. You best choose your dress ASAP and post a picture of it to the junior girls' Facebook page so everyone can whine and gossip about how bad it is.
6. Everything has to be set in place so prom goes down like that movie. If not, you might as well drop out of high school.
7. Limos are the bomb diggity.
8. If you don't get a prom date by a certain point, you're ugly, an outcast, nasty, not kewl, nonconformist, worthless, etc.
9. If you, like, have a dress that's, like, too weddingy and modest, you're, like, so weird.
10. If you, like, have a dress that's, like, too skanky and open, you're like a whore and a b***h.

Now, of course, I would disagree with pretty much every one of these points, but the general high school girl population wouldn't. And that's what's repulsive. I keep asking myself, "Who really cares?" and the answer is nobody (besides them of course). If a girl comes up to me whining about one of the aforementioned points, chances are I'll pretend to be sympathetic, compassionate, and affected, but in reality I couldn't care less. Well maybe I could, since I still pity them. I'm not saying that I automatically hate the woman who says this, as several of my acquaintances seem to have too fallen into the abyss, but my temporary intellectual respect reading on them is severely lowered.

[Update 6:55: 5 girls post their dress pictures to the Prom 2013! Facebook group since 6:30.]

On with the horror

After some intense research and behavioral analysis, I've established an image of what the standard high school girl expects prom to be. The following pictures and videos function to materialize this.

The vibrant colors of these dresses and the glimmer of the illicit alcoholic beverages really catch the eye. http://airportlimousineseattle.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/seattle-prom-limousine.jpg

What a lovely automobile! It must be like a night in a fairy tale!
http://www.americanlimousine.net/photos/specials/71prom.jpg

The all too typical obscene 21st-century dance. No wonder so many of these kids look stoned.
http://cookphotoworks.com/Albums/2012%20Crawford%20Prom/Dance%202/slides/IMG_0847.jpg

The typical high school boy with his two prom dates, going about their pre-prom activities!
http://newnownext.mtvnimages.com/2013/01/macklemore-thrift-shop-review.jpg

Some high schoolers posing for their prom photo. Prom dresses and tuxes are nowadays pointing more and more in this direction! Unfortunately, Niskayuna has a strict prom attire policy.
http://www.diamondheadtheatre.com/rentals/images/costume.jpg

A video on how to prepare your body for that prom dress! Rumor Has It (#lolz see what I did there) that this workout is actually quite popular among teenage gurls! Oh, and to add to the fun, there's an introduction discussing the best kinds of dresses!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-JSUWpNTVk

Some more stories

Another thing I consistently hear about is these girls who have had their prom dresses chosen for many years. And then when one finds out that another girl was planning on the same dress...well, let's just say that the cat fight I witnessed last summer in the hood would be deemed far worse. You know why? You probably do, as it's the first tenet of prom dresses. But I'll make it nice and bold so you all can see it perfectly:

No two girls can have the same dress.

What a shame, a disgrace, a distress, a homicide it would be if two girls out of 350 had the same dress!!! You might as well just cancel the prom right then and there.

The instances of having a dress chosen more than half of a lifetime in advance also applies to many of these "preselectors" when it comes to wedding dresses. Hopefully, though, they will have matured by their weddings to realize the senselessness in this.

Culmination of facts

I think it would be fun to dress up in costume.
I think it would be fun if people calmed down.
I think it would be fun if everyone got a temporary boost of competence when it came to prom.
I think it would be fun if prom weren't a date-mandatory occasion.
I think it would be fun if prom could be turned into a big do whatever you want thing.
I think it would be fun if there were little soaps from the hotel being distributed for free.

But what does it matter what I think at this point? The drama queens will dominate the occasion, the incompetents will dominate the occasion, the entranced smarter girls will dominate the occasion. I assume that one day they'll all look back on prom and ask "I had a lot of fun, but was it really worth getting my anus in a twist about?"

With that I leave a hoyhehe--a snicker at the intellectoclasm--and hope that there will one day be sense in the high school class again. Below are some final outfits that have been chosen already by some girls or couples or have been worn at proms around the country recently.

Some trending outfits

Made from mermaid skin, this dress is hand-sewn by a homeless Vietnamese boy. (Sad but true.) http://img.xcitefun.net/users/2010/01/139416,xcitefun-prom-dress-funny-1.jpg

He looks like clown! http://www.wackyowl.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/funny-prom-outfit-0.jpg

I guess she couldn't find anyone her age. A brother will always do.
http://fotozup.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/funny_prom_020.jpg

The new, popular, bird dance. I don't know about you, but I think that coat is far better than a tux.
http://thissongissick.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Macklemore-Ryan-Lewis-thrift-shop-Music-video.jpg

Goodbye kids!

[Update 7:40: 2 girls post their dress pictures to the Prom 2013! Facebook group since 6:55.]